Sunday, March 24, 2013
None of these terms is quite adequate to describe what a mother goes though. Today, my baby died. isn't an expression we normally hear when referring to miscarriage, especially an early one. For some reason, that I can't explain, talking about pregnancy loss is so taboo in our culture.
I am not sure why it is this way. Perhaps it is that couples want to simply grieve- and keeping their grief a deep secret. Perhaps it is because people often want a reason to explain death. Admitting a severe chromosomal defect- the primary cause of miscarriage- whispers that those babies weren't perfect, somehow less of a life, and better off dead. Though much of that may be true, it is discussing the physical body- not the perfect soul that the parents grieve. Still, a physical problem with the mother can add layers of guilt and what ifs. Perhaps it is that our culture primarily views an unborn child- especially at the early stages- less than human and not a 'real' life with a right to live. I really don't know. These are just rambling thoughts of a grieving person who is trying to make sense of it all.
Today, the baby that I was waiting to announce died. True, it could have been yesterday or the day before, but today it was born. March 23, 2013. Nearly the due date of the last baby that I miscarried.
I have known that I was pregnant for about three weeks, and for that time I was very happy. I knew it could end in loss, and for that reason, as often as possible, I tried to remember to thank God for each day, each hour, that passed that I was pregnant. I wanted to enjoy each moment. I did. Even when it was beginning to look very bleak, I was still glad that I had the baby inside of me. For that, I have no regrets, no reason to wish that I didn't savor each moment.
Though I am very, very sad, in my heart, I am also happy. I am so glad that my child never knew grief, suffering or pain. Instead, my child is in the care of God. And that is a very good place to be.