That is how I feel about myself. It kills me to think of all the maternity clothes in my closet. Since I had expected to have several children, I have slowly been building up my collection. It is not the fact that the clothes will be unused by me- I could easily sell them or give them to friends- but that I will never need them. I complained a million times of how much I hate pregnancy. Now I wish so much that I could be pregnant again.
However, a tiny part of me is relieved. I do hate most of being pregnant. For both pregnancies I had about a month worth of false labor. Every day. It was not enjoyable. Though I savor the idea of a large family, I am afraid of it being too large. My lack of trust in God made me worry about having too many children or poorly timed pregnancies. Our belief was to allow God to plan our children- not us.
But now that has all changed. I still trust God, of course. Instead of having a large family of our own, we want to adopt. I love the idea of adoption. I see this as being God's way of providing for needy children. If we were to have several more of our own, we would maybe never adopt. I really love the thought of it, but I still can't easily let go of my own feelings.
In addition to it all, I refuse to let myself believe that it is truly over. I know plenty of pregnancies that happened that were not necessarily supposed to. God can do anything. Also, my doctor seemed less concerned about the risk than we were- maybe it isn't so bad (though nothing in me wants to knowingly risk it- when there are plenty of orphans). In a way the unknown keeps my hope alive while it also keeps me from closure. That is why I feel I am half grieving.
I am very sad, but not in a depression, so don't worry. God doesn't give us more than we can handle and lets everything happen for a reason.
Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.
New King James Version (NKJV)