Sunday, August 7, 2011

Uncertainty

I have gone back and forth on writing this so many times. Part of me wants to tell the world, while the other part wants it to remain hidden. I want to grieve, but refuse to let myself believe that it is over. You see, we have decided not to have any more children of our own. This is due to all of the problems surrounding Daniel's birth. Thank God, we were both fine, but in slightly different circumstances, it could have been extremely different. Now my risk of this happening again is very high- 10-15%. Obviously, 10-15% isn't a high percentage in itself, but when it is your or your baby's life, it is a high number. Especially when it can easily be prevented.

Empty.

That is how I feel about myself. It kills me to think of all the maternity clothes in my closet. Since I had expected to have several children, I have slowly been building up my collection. It is not the fact that the clothes will be unused by me- I could easily sell them or give them to friends- but that I will never need them. I complained a million times of how much I hate pregnancy. Now I wish so much that I could be pregnant again.

However, a tiny part of me is relieved. I do hate most of being pregnant. For both pregnancies I had about a month worth of false labor. Every day. It was not enjoyable. Though I savor the idea of a large family, I am afraid of it being too large. My lack of trust in God made me worry about having too many children or poorly timed pregnancies. Our belief was to allow God to plan our children- not us.

But now that has all changed. I still trust God, of course. Instead of having a large family of our own, we want to adopt. I love the idea of adoption. I see this as being God's way of providing for needy children. If we were to have several more of our own, we would maybe never adopt. I really love the thought of it, but I still can't easily let go of my own feelings.

In addition to it all, I refuse to let myself believe that it is truly over. I know plenty of pregnancies that happened that were not necessarily supposed to. God can do anything. Also, my doctor seemed less concerned about the risk than we were- maybe it isn't so bad (though nothing in me wants to knowingly risk it- when there are plenty of orphans). In a way the unknown keeps my hope alive while it also keeps me from closure. That is why I feel I am half grieving.

I am very sad, but not in a depression, so don't worry. God doesn't give us more than we can handle and lets everything happen for a reason.




Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.

James 1:27

New King James Version (NKJV)

5 comments:

  1. I think the only thing I will say right now is this: Having just survived a rather harrowing labor and delivery, and still being in the very real process of recovery (and getting used to two babies in the house instead of one), it might not be the best time to be making big decisions. There's nothing wrong with anything you said, but it's fine to let it simmer and handle what you have to handle right now. You may decide ultimately that this is the best choice, or you may not, but either way I would just thoroughly enjoy the moment, enjoy your newborn, enjoy nursing, etc., and not worry about the maternity clothes and what they stand for. You can wind up grieving over something that may not come to pass and not enjoying what is. I'm kind of preaching to myself so maybe I can learn that lesson too!

    (((hugs)))

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  2. I'm so sorry. What a difficult thing, and yet what reassurance to know that God knows more than we do. Thanks for your openness about your struggle.

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  3. What Mat. Anna and Mindy said. You've been through a lot! Prayers for your beautiful family as you discern all these questions. And though I'm not the most skilled advice-giver, I'm always here with cups of tea! (That is, when I'm more able to walk and move about,lolz.)

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  4. My response is very late, but I did want to share a little bit of what went through my mind as I read this: Our firstborn nearly died at birth due to pre-eclampsia. I was very sick as well. I do not know the specifics of what you went through, but I can relate to that fear of knowing that it is very likely you will have to go through it again with the next child. With our second child, I had pregnancy-induced hypertension that never made its way to pre-eclampsia.I believe that is because we prayed over our baby and did several Molebens for her and me.

    I truly believe that if God wants you to have more children, there is no way that you can stop him (my husband's grandparents have one child while on birth control, another after he had a vasectomy and another after she had her tubes tied!). God is in control.

    I would like to believe that if I were able to completely surrender my childbearing to him that good would come of it, but just like you, I have many fears and I try to control it myself. The results of that was a miscarriage last summer while we were trying to do NFP. God had other plans for us. I cannot understand why our Julian had to die, but I know with certainty that our precious John Ambrose would not be here today if it had not been for that loss.

    I know this is long, but all this to say that God does not wish bad things for us. He loves us more than we can phathom. If after time you still feel this way, then you and your family will be a huge blessing to children that need to be adopted and God will use you through that. If you decide that you do want to try again, then trust God.

    You are in my prayers.

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  5. I just saw this. I comepletely understand what you are going through!

    When we first got married, I wanted 9 children. (I mean my Mom had 12 and she loved being pregnant!) Then I got pregnant,(at the young age of 18 mind you). I had a very difficult time my whole pregnancy, and to top it off a horrific 38 hour labor, and frightening postpartum depression. It was eye opening to say the least.

    I got pregnant again 13 months later, and after an even worse experience we decided it was best for me not to have anymore. I was devastated! This was not how I had imagined my life. I loved babies and children! I had my whole life. All I ever wanted was to be a Mother.

    I was angry, even angry at God sometimes. Why was I given a body like this, and other women are just fine. Why me?

    As you know we decided to try again. Maybe it was just because I was so young, maybe it would be different now? Well no it was not, it was so much worse than I could have even imagined!

    After this last pregnancy we both feel like it is just not meant to be. If God wanted us to have more children then there would have been some glimmer of hope. Not an even worse experience. We decided if we are going to have more we will just have to adopt. It's still hard for me to deal with, especially when so many others get pregnant around me. (It's not so hard for my Husband since he had to witness it all) There is no doubt in his mind.

    Anyway if you ever want to talk, I'm here, and I understand what your going through. Hugs!

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